Story by Maribel Z K

Oh, so you’re all set you say, not worried? You’ve done your homework, your research, joined our network, got two bug-out bags, a safe house or supplies stash (or two), got some defensive and survival training?

Too bad, you’re going to die anyway. While death is as sure as taxes, the length of your life will really depend on your understanding of Murphy’s #2 law, namely all your plans will go to sh!t.

This little schpiel (schpelling?) is not a sarcastic tutorial (ok maybe a little bit) telling you the reverse of what you should do. I’m actually, really, frealz, telling you the best way to “not to be prepared” when dangers/zombies approach. This may seem basic but trust me, it’s the simple stuff that’s easy to forget or  ignore.

THE ZEROETH LAW

Accept and believe Murphy’s #2 law. Your plans will go to sh!t (especially your most elegant ones). Learn Rule #1 through 5 now, not later and definitely not before  the ZEROETH LAW asserts itself. See Rule #1.

RULE #1

Douglas Adams’(seseses) says, “DON’T PANIC!”

RULE #2

Accept that even if you tell your brain not to panic, YOUR BODY WILL PANIC ANYWAY and beat you to it.  In the meantime, you might lose or get tunnel vision (where your focus narrows and you don’t notice things in your periphery), your fine motor skills will fail, you forget to breathe, your hearing might get impaired, etc. If you can simulate panic/stress in a safe place beforehand, you’ll know what your tendencies are.

REMEDIES: 

1) BREATHE DEEPLY, A LOT (your brain needs oxygen, esp. if you’re going to be running). Stay tuned for future discussions on the utility of breath for self defense and fitness.

2) To fix tunnel vision, OPEN YOUR EYES WIDE AND MOVE YOUR HEAD (and eyes)  left to right or right to left, up/down, down/up and describe something you see out loud (ok you can whisper), the more detail the better. E.g. left corner, red door, 3 feet away; touching distance, absurd tattoo of your panicked buddy, 2 o’clock tall mirror reflecting window….  This serves primarily to re-engage your eyes and mind to “snap out of it” and secondarily, this forces you to look around and see your options. Additionally, repeating a mantra (1) can help you start to reset yourself.

3) MOVE YOUR  FINGERS. Open and close your hands rapidly, or rub them together hard, even if it hurts. This won’t completely fix all your dexterity issues, but it will help the parts of you that will probably be the most jittery. And personally, I think seeing your hands shake makes you want to shake even more (think about when you let your teeth chatter when you’re cold, doesn’t it make the rest of you shiver?).

RULE #3

MAKE A CHOICE AND DO IT QUICKLY.Will it be the right choice? Maybe not, but it will have a higher chance of succeeding that not doing anything. While actively “panicked” you are dosed with adrenaline, which can help push you beyond your typical limits in whatever action you take.

1. If your choice involves close combat, AIM/LOOK, ATTACK FAST, DON’T STOP (definitely DO NOT do the Hollywood “Now I’ve got you” delay scene and if you do, you’re a doosh and won’t/shouldn’t live too much longer). Assume YOU WILL BE / CAN BE ATTACKED FROM ANY AND ALL ANGLES.
2. IF IT’S GOTTEN NOISY, GET NOISIER. Release your inner beast in a yell, as many as you want, preferably as you strike. This is called a kia in most martial arts.   This is not just to be a badass, it also helps you breathe because, when threatened, most people hold their breaths. I also believe it will strengthen your strikes, mostly because yelling tricks your mind into anger or having more conviction.

[FUN UNVERIFIED FACT: "A kia (a fighting cry used in Japanese martial arts) uttered in a minor key can effect partial paralysis of one's opponent by abruptly lowering the arterial blood pressure." - astramate.com)]. Not sure what the zombie effect would be though.

RULE #4

LEAVE YOUR EGO BEHIND (Especially if your ego is a doosh or you are).  This is no time for blame, crying, regret, I told you sos. Sticks and  stones break bones, but wasted words will make zombies eat you.  If you’re the leader and you didn’t declare a plan fast enough, too bad, you just lost alpha status right then and there (in which case, see Rule #3). If you weren’t the leader and  you didn’t declare a plan, see Rule #3 or sell your own plan to the group in 5 seconds (always good to practice your elevator speech skills, btw). If you fail to win the group, shut up and see Rule #3.

RULE #5

ITS NOT OVER ‘TIL ITS OVER.  Nuff said.

1) Find your Mantra by Sam Murphy. Runner’s World. 27 April, 2011. http://www.runnersworld.co.uk/motivation/fighting-talk-find-your-mantra/6589.html

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