Story by John Moore

Our friend and Facebook fan, Justine asks us the following (we paraphrase): Could you fashion some kind of helmet with a blade on top like a unicorn as a last line of defense weapon during the ZPOC (zombie apocalypse)?

Well Justine, you certainly could, but you won’t have to. Let us introduce you to our friend, the Pickelhaube (yes the name makes us laugh too). If you’ve watched re-runs of Hogan’s Heroes, obviously filmed before Bob Crane was beaten to death by a friend who used to film him having kinky sex, you’ve seen one on Colonel Klink’s desk.

Developed by King Frederick William IV of Prussia in 1842, this phallic chapeau was actually worn by Germanic front-line troops up through WWI, when it was discovered they didn’t do anything but make infantrymen better targets. Eventually somebody with some military sense in Germany (imagine that) ordered that the spikes should be removed during combat.

There’s no record that we can find of anybody dueling with pickelhaube, but just imagine how funny that would be.

Today, the pickelhaube is worn ceremonially by a number of armed services in the world, and worn ironically by many beer-swilling soccer fans.

As to last-line zombie defense. Heck – use anything, use a toothbrush, use a pool cue, use your poodle.  Last line means last line. If I had a steel-dildo helmet like a pickelhaube as my only weapon, I’d probably prefer to hold it and use it like a tiny spiked shield. But, imagine how badass you’d be with a knife in each hand and a pickelhaube on your head – you could take out 3 zombs simultaneously (maybe).

Realistically the head is a poor offensive weapons platform. The last time we bolted an AR15 surgically to somebody’s skull the results were less than impressive. The neck is a fairly weak structure and the brain can be damaged by sudden acceleration or deceleration (two things that make most melee weapons work).

If you have the materials lying around to make a spikey helmet, and don’t own a honest to goodness pickelhaube – you’re probably better off fashioning a hand-held weapon of some sort.

Of course unicorns are cool, but we don’t think the undead horde will be impressed by “cool”. Speaking of unicorns, we’d like to consult with a marine biologist about the prospect of training narwhals for zombie defense. Lure those Z bastards down to the shore and spear them right through the ocular canal!

And by the way, narwhals are totally the honey-badgers of the sea.