top-ten-factsZombie Prep - 05.03.2012
Time to Get Totally Pumped!
While it is abundantly clear that Zombie Armageddon will certainly happen, it is apparently not clear to everyone that it will also be totally awesome. I’m here to help. Reducing stress is essential to your health and wellness. What good does it do to worry about things you can’t control? In this article, I’ll lay out some of the highlights of the impending Z.A., so that you can sleep well at night, secure in the knowledge that when the world as we know it is overrun with flesh-eating undead hordes, we are going to have the time of our lives!
Awesome Fact #1: There will be absolute lawlessness.
Law and order might sound nice, but let’s face it: It’s boring. Our social structure will experience an abrupt reboot, and the survivors will be given a blank, (albeit dangerous and cannibalistic), slate to work with. “No Smoking” areas? Gone. No turn on red? How about Turn Wherever the Hell You Want! Consider these gems:
Everywhere will be “dog friendly”
Dress codes: non-existent.
No more lines at the DMV.
Everyone will be licensed to carry by default. No matter how you feel about guns now, trust me, you’ll like them when the ZSHTF.
Last Call is at never o’clock.
Awesome Fact #2: You can wear any kind of hat you want.
We all have a hat that we purchased on a whim, that we’re too afraid to actually wear for fear of being ridiculed. Well, like everything else, fashion sense is getting a fresh start in Year One, Anno Zomini! No longer does that bowler derby need to languish in sheepish obscurity deep in the confines of your closet. You can wear a top hat, fedora, cowboy hat, fez, or Kaiser helmet for all anyone cares. No one’s going to judge. You know why? Because of…
Awesome Fact #3: No more hipsters.
Honestly, this is mostly an article of faith for me, I’m not precisely sure how it’s going to happen. Partly because hipsters can’t really move quickly under any circumstance, partly because fixed gear bikes are hard to ride uphill…and there’s a good chance many of them will get bitten deliberately to be ironic. There is the slim chance that some will blend in with the Zombie hordes with their torn, filthy clothing, vacant expressions and a habit of wandering slowly in groups. This is evolution, folks, it’s a gradual process.
Awesome Fact #4: Everyone’s inner badass will be unleashed.
Droning away at a soul-sucking 9 to 5 every day does nothing to inspire achievement. It only keeps you slavishly devoted to an endless list of menial tasks done to appease uninteresting people who drive bland automobiles. Unless you’re Richard Branson, you need a good fire lit under your ass once in a while to reach your full potential. The sense of urgency created by the constant threat of being torn limb from limb will make a Tony Robbins seminar seem like doing bong hits in your Mom’s basement at age 30.
Awesome Fact #5: Prejudices will be greatly diminished.
I’m not so delusional as to believe that bigotry will disappear magically overnight, I’m still amazed at the tenacity with which some people will cling to their petty prejudices. Like roaches, these vermin will likely survive any calamity, it’s just in their nature. Being an optimist however, I believe that many prejudices are rooted in a simple lack of understanding from having led a sheltered life.
Once the zombie hordes are roaming the land looking for their next meal, the differences we notice between us now are going to pale in comparison to the differences between us and them. Any skin color is going to be just fine, so long as it’s not gray and rotting. When the ZSHTF, we’re all gonna be on the same team, like it or not. If you don’t want to be around other people because of their race, religion, or what they do with their genitals, fine. Have fun fighting off the flesh-eaters all by your special little self. It’ll just make me feel better about caving your squishy green head in after you’ve been cornered and turned by the hordes.
Awesome Fact #6: Pottery Barn is Having a Sale!
(So is everyone else, if you get my drift.)
Awesome Fact #7 : No More Junk Mail.
Or spam, or Mafia Wars, or Farmville, or sales calls, or status updates about your friend’s workout. In general, useless or unsolicited information will be gone. Anyone who tries to bring it back will be thrown to the horde, smothered in bacon fat.
Awesome Fact #8: No More Justin Bieber.
If, by some act of Satan, he does survive, I think an outdoor concert is in order. Just Biebs himself. In an open field. Tied to a post. You see where I’m going with this…
Awesome Fact #9: Thursdays are Vegan Potluck Night.
(My girlfriend made me promise to include this item. Don’t worry, I’m not holding anyone to this. In fact, I’m pretty sure being vegan will no longer be an option at that point, but I have to stay in her good graces for now, so bear with me.)
Awesome Fact #10: (wait for it…)
Chuck Norris is on our side.