Miami Police Kill Naked Face Eating Zombie

Story by John Moore

It’s all over the news, Miami Police shoot and kill a naked man chewing off the face of another man. None of the lame-stream media want to mention the obvious – zombie attack.

Police say it started on Saturday at 2 PM on the MacArthur Causeway when a naked unknown assailant attacked another man, ripping and chewing part of his face off.

A witness flagged down a police officer who ordered the attacker to stop. When he ignored the command, the police officer shot him. The man continued the attack despite being shot.

Witnesses report half a dozen shots being used to take the face-chewing assailant down. The victim hospitalized in critical condition.

UPDATE – A ZPN member from Miami has told us that the attacker was growling whle eating the face off the victim, that he was completely unphased by being shot, and it took at least a dozen shots to take him down.

So why, might we ask, is nobody in the media using the word we all instantly think of – “zombie”?

Let’s look at the evidence:

We have a man, who is mindlessly cannibalistic and aggressive. He attacks and attempts to eat another man without motive. He ignores his own personal safety by refusing to heed the verbal commands of police officers who have guns pointed at him and continues to feed on the flesh of his victim. He is shot and, apparently impervious to the pain of the wound and not slowed down by it, continues to eat the face of his victim. It takes 5 or so more shots to kill him.

That’s a god-damned zombie right there.

On police theory floated by the media today was that the person was perhaps suffering from “cocaine psychosis”. This is a premature theory, as any toxicology tests will take weeks.

However, we’ve mentioned previously that zombies can and have been created pharmacologically – with drugs like scopolamine, datura, and pufferfish toxin. We don’t know what made this naked man go zombie in Miami, but we’ll be keeping a close eye as the story unfolds.

Update: 8:23AM EST 5/28/2012

According to this this story from WSVN in Miami, police are now recanting their “cocaine psychosis” theory and are now blaming the South Beach face chewing zombie attack on “some new form of LSD”.

“Some new form of LSD” is code for: “we don’t know what the frick happened here”. It’s a wild ass guess based on the fact that some people who OD on drugs rip their clothes off. How many of those people go on to eat 75% of the face off somebody?

Again, tox reports take weeks despite what you see on TV. We’re still calling zombie on this one.